For an Unlimited Time!
Are you a woman?
If you said yes to any of the above questions, it can mean just one thing:
Opportunities for intercourse are in critically short supply!
Sure, a guy might reveal that he feels like makin’ love. But to whom? You’ve got your fingers crossed that it’s To. You.
And that’s what makes this explosive collection of songs so special. Every one of these hits is directed at you–a woman.
Abracadabra! Someone wants to reach out and grab ya!
On Side 1 of the first record alone, Action Express, you’ll enjoy flattering offers for:
Getting Down Tonight
Givin’ the Dog a Bone
Taking Someone Home Tonight
A Whole Lotta Love
Magic Carpet Ride
Have you got a tush? Well, Lord, head on downtown…or maybe just to the phone to snap up this amazing offer! As you move through the other records in this fine compilation, you’ll find even more opportunities to engage with someone’s divine hammer, including the many favorites on Record Album 3, Starflight Nut Buster, featuring irresistible invitations to:
Start Someone Up
Light Someone’s Fire
Pour Some Sugar on Someone
Give Someone All Your Lovin’
Go All the Way With Someone
Why don’t you do it in the road? Because you don’t have to anymore! This collection includes Record Album 7, Fantastic Pants Explosion, with overtures to:
Love the Someone You’re With
Want Someone Because They Want You To
Bang a Gong (Get It On With Someone!)
Do More Than Dance due to Someone Being Hot Blooded, Which You Can Check and See
And at long last, you will finally get the chance to Finish What You Started
That’s not all! You’ll find declarations of intent on Record Album 13, Aspirational Dynamite, including promises of:
A Person Wanting to Make It With You
Being Felt From the Inside By Someone Who Wants To Do That
Kissed All Over By Someone Who Wants To Do That (Over and Over Again!)
But wait! There’s more. If you act now, you will receive a finely engraved acknowledgement of having achieved proximity to someone’s celestial lollipop. This embossed, commemorative edition of our exclusive bonus record--Participation Station—includes certificates of completion, as well as tracks honoring you for:
Love in an Elevator with Someone
Having Made It Feel Like the First Time
The Night Moves You Performed
Having Shaken Someone All Night Long
Being Someone’s Cherry Pie
WAIT! That’s not all. Act now for a special bonus offer:
Complimentary Voucher for Two Tickets to Paradise!*
(*Valid tonight when accompanied by packed bags)**
(**But also valid forever!)***
(***Bag-packing service available)
Come on, come on, come on, touch that phone, Babe! Rest assured that these men are not afraid! What was the promise that you made?
….It was to invest the low, low price of six payments of $5.99. Or whatever you care to pay. Or you could also receive payments.
You want more?
Well, these offers don’t end here!*
Act now and get a free pearl necklace!*
That’s right! The accessory as funky as you are is exclusively yours!**
(*Pearl necklaces in limited supply. This incredible offer won’t last. If line is busy, please try again in 15 minutes. Or we can also call you, if that works better.)
Get this incredible set, Now That’s What I Call Temptation!
But also order anytime! (Arrives in 26 shipments)