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    • The 2020s
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K-TEL PRESENTS The Incredible Offers Made to Women in Songs!

For an Unlimited Time!

Hi there.

Are you a woman?

If you said yes to any of the above questions, it can mean just one thing:

Opportunities for intercourse are in critically short supply!

Sure, a guy might reveal that he feels like makin’ love. But to whom? You’ve got your fingers crossed that it’s To. You.

And that’s what makes this explosive collection of songs so special. Every one of these hits is directed at you–a woman.

Abracadabra! Someone wants to reach out and grab ya!

On Side 1 of the first record alone, Action Express, you’ll enjoy flattering offers for:

Getting Down Tonight

Givin’ the Dog a Bone

Taking Someone Home Tonight

A Whole Lotta Love

Magic Carpet Ride

Have you got a tush? Well, Lord, head on downtown…or maybe just to the phone to snap up this amazing offer! As you move through the other records in this fine compilation, you’ll find even more opportunities to engage with someone’s divine hammer, including the many favorites on Record Album 3, Starflight Nut Buster, featuring irresistible invitations to:

Start Someone Up

Light Someone’s Fire

Pour Some Sugar on Someone

Give Someone All Your Lovin’

Go All the Way With Someone

Why don’t you do it in the road? Because you don’t have to anymore! This collection includes Record Album 7, Fantastic Pants Explosion, with overtures to:

Love the Someone You’re With

Want Someone Because They Want You To

Bang a Gong (Get It On With Someone!)

Do More Than Dance due to Someone Being Hot Blooded, Which You Can Check and See

And at long last, you will finally get the chance to Finish What You Started

That’s not all! You’ll find declarations of intent on Record Album 13, Aspirational Dynamite, including promises of:

A Person Wanting to Make It With You

Being Felt From the Inside By Someone Who Wants To Do That

Kissed All Over By Someone Who Wants To Do That (Over and Over Again!)

But wait! There’s more. If you act now, you will receive a finely engraved acknowledgement of having achieved proximity to someone’s celestial lollipop. This embossed, commemorative edition of our exclusive bonus record--Participation Station—includes certificates of completion, as well as tracks honoring you for:

Love in an Elevator with Someone

Having Made It Feel Like the First Time

The Night Moves You Performed

Having Shaken Someone All Night Long

Being Someone’s Cherry Pie

WAIT! That’s not all. Act now for a special bonus offer:

Complimentary Voucher for Two Tickets to Paradise!*

(*Valid tonight when accompanied by packed bags)**
(**But also valid forever!)***
(***Bag-packing service available)

Come on, come on, come on, touch that phone, Babe! Rest assured that these men are not afraid! What was the promise that you made?

….It was to invest the low, low price of six payments of $5.99. Or whatever you care to pay. Or you could also receive payments.

WAIT!!!!

You want more?

Well, these offers don’t end here!*

(*Or there)

Act now and get a free pearl necklace!*

That’s right! The accessory as funky as you are is exclusively yours!**

(*Pearl necklaces in limited supply. This incredible offer won’t last. If line is busy, please try again in 15 minutes. Or we can also call you, if that works better.)

(**Not exclusively)

Get this incredible set, Now That’s What I Call Temptation!
Order today!
But also order anytime! (Arrives in 26 shipments)


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K.E. FLANN’s prose has appeared in the North American Review, Michigan Quarterly Review, Shenandoah, and others. She has published two award-winning short story collections, Get a Grip and Smoky Ordinary. Releases also include a craft book, Write On: Secrets to Crafting Better Stories, from Stay Thirsty Publishing, and a humor book, How to Survive a Human Attack, a guide for movie monsters, from Running Press/Hachette. She is a recipient of grants from the Maryland State Arts Council and the Baltimore Office of Promotion and the Arts, as well as a Baker Artist Award.



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COLLEGE OF LIBERAL ARTS